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WENJIN!
HELLO there! IJTPPast
May 2006
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To be honest, I had cold feet the night before. I didn't know what to expect during the trip, would I be a good enough travel partner; Would I upset you with my behaviour or actions? Have I got all the grounds covered in terms of travel transitions, etc. It was also the first trip I took with someone else, apart from my family, just after ending my previous r/s. From the latter, I grew to be more aware or possibly, paranoid about certain things when travelling.
Now that our 8D7N journey has ended, I'm more confident than ever in my thoughts and what I want in life. You brought all these thoughts and emotions about during the journey. I had them in me and I just really didn't know how to approach/tackle them because I was in a deep, dark,messy hole down there, almost going way too off track with my thoughts. With your perspective, certain things became clearer and I cannot be more grateful for that. I somehow feel more willing than ever to be accepting of my past r/s, and embracing the fact that she just wasnt the right person. And of course, as I've always felt, that it was a learning journey I had to take and no doubt was it fruitful; in the sense that I grew as a person.
I also saw in you some qualities that I know I need in a life partner. Being the calm in the chaos, or more like being my calm in the chaos, is one example of what I need. Despite verbalising that "I 'hate' to say you're someone I have a lot of respect for", deep down, please know what I wanted to say was "You're one of the most beautiful person I know, so deep and insightful, yet so loving and understanding. And I do, indeed, have a lot of respect for you." Despite the "age difference" (months actually), you're someone so full of wisdom, so self-ware, self-assured... someone I look up to. Needless to say, you are almost perfection to me, inside out.
My previous paragraph reflects my love for you, not in a proper kind of relationship way but as a friend. Obviously if I could take it further, I would but I know I'm not the right person for you. And with that, I rest my case.
This sounds like a confessional post but its not, its more about the insights that were triggered in me, to think more about the person I want to be, and the person I need in my life.
On the professional end, I just felt all the talks we had made me more driven to want to do well in what I do, to put in effort in honing my craft and not spend evenings just sitting down and watching Netflix. I could read book, or paint, enrich myself in some way or do some work. I hope I remain motivated throughout the year to strive to be better.
So that said, Thank You, Thank You for one of the best trips I took despite not seeing all the places of interest in a location (I usually do but somehow, during this trip, I didn't feel like I needed to). I guess the company really matters in a trip.
X.
... sometimes in life, we cannot choose what happens to us. What's more important is how we react and deal with the situation
Powerful quote but the pessimist me would say, "easier said than done".
"Brick walls are there for a reason. They give us a chance to show how badly we want something."
"Not everything needs to be fixed." - "You don't repair things when they still do what they're supposed to do."
Yesterday I heard a really beautiful homily by a Father at SJC. He shared that when bad things hit us we should not let the negativity sit in us forever. We should ask God to help us find peace, ask him to lead us, offer up all our pain. He also shared that we cannot be selfish just because we can't get things our way and we deem it to be a bad thing. We should be charitable. We must learn to be happy for others if not we cannot find happiness in ourselves. So doesn't mean we aren't happy, we should be negative all the time. We must be thank God for both the bad times and the good. We must learn to accept.
Yesterday I heard a really beautiful homily by a Father at SJC. He shared that when bad things hit us we should not let the negativity sit in us forever. We should ask God to help us find peace, ask him to lead us, offer up all our pain. He also shared that we cannot be selfish just because we can't get things our way and we deem it to be a bad thing. We should be charitable. We must learn to be happy for others if not we cannot find happiness in ourselves. So doesn't mean we aren't happy, we should be negative all the time. We must be thank God for both the bad times and the good. We must learn to accept.
Last week: I told Father Joe at St Joseph's that I'm going through a lot. About my failed relationship. He told me that it's alright to be angry but I have to remember to learn to accept it. That God will always be a friend.
Sunday: Sympathy + Empathy = Compassion; only with sympathy and empathy that you'd be able to be compassionate to others.
Monday: To trust in God's timing. To have a strong foundation in faith. That when God takes away everything, you must trust in him, stay strong in faith. He doesn't punish, he always forgives. St Jude, St Joseph.
- Honesty is the best policy. That's what I learnt today from someone. So honestly, I don't want to give people the impression we are okay anymore
- The many times you said you'd still want to help me/you'd persevere to help me find God, etc. What you say and your actions don't go. I gave you chances to take the step forward to talk to me first, to ask about my wellbeing, etc. but it seems like you can't care more. 3 times, one before bkk, one during, one after your sister saw me at the clinic. You just stopped. It seems like I'm not important enough to even be spared a thought or message. So much for wanting to help me. The truth hurts and a lie's worse.
- Just like the person in my life before. You both left me for another person. Both wanting to be friends. That's only how much I'm worth. To be friends with.
Because I see a pattern, I know getting into a relationship won't work well and I don't intend to get into any, anymore. I hate getting hurt, it was because of the past incident that made me have trust issues. And now that this has happened, I know that I'll build my walls thicker and higher than before. I will not let anyone break it down and weaken it. Being vulnerable just does not work in any relationships for me. It will never be again. I will never be weak again. I gave too much of myself. I should only have given myself to someone that really would treasure me for the rest of my lifetime and I know I won't meet that person.
- Now I'm beginning to understand why sometimes I behave arrogantly. It's because I just didn't receive enough love/trust/confidence in people believing in me that I just had to learn to love myself.
- Every time I'm away from you I feel so much hurt and anger that I want to express at you but when I see you, I become weak. You are a weakness to me. But I hope not so anymore. I keep letting my self get hurt by you. At the end of the day, do you even care? No. As much as you say you do, you can't even make time off for me. So don't feed me any false promises anymore. i gave excuses for you far too many times and from the many times you didn't want to fight my "warped" thoughts about how wrongly perceived things, it shows, that I don't matter anymore and you don't care how I feel/perceive you.
- From a third person's perspective I know certain people will say I'm childish for thinking this way/anyway I'm just one person and I can always be replaced (true, look at my position in your life now). What I'm going to do is to just let them be, because yknow, who else to protect me than me. I don't have anyone else unlike you. I trusted you to keep my heart safe and you didn't. You already knew from the start you'd break it but I had too much hopes in you that you wouldn't. I was at fault too for being so confident of my abilities. I wanted to do everything I can do you wouldn't leave me like the other. Even so, you still did. So like I said, I'll now build stronger and higher walls.
- It's selfish of me to put myself first but if I don't, who will? Everyone will do things that put themselves first. You including, choosing who you wanted to be with. It's not normal. I'm going to have to be selfish and decide to end things for good, clean and clear forever. I'm sorry I just can't be your friend anymore. This is just the best way. It'll work for you. You don't have to meet up with me with a cheery face when I'm giving a black face. Basically out of sight, out of mind. Or maybe it has already happened for you, but it hasn't for me. So leave me out of future meet ups with carol and all, I won't go for graduation, if I see you around, you can just treat me as a stranger or say hi and stop there.
- goodbye forever.
- Tbh, you kept putting really reflecting about this r/s off for so long that I know eventually even if your current ends or not, you'll never really think or reflect properly in comparison if you thought about it immediately after it ended when you're not thinking of someone else. The next time you'd really feel what you should've felt for this relationship is minutes before your death where you'd look back at your life.