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At the house of God...
Tuesday, September 27, 2016
11:52 pm

Last week: I told Father Joe at St Joseph's that I'm going through a lot. About my failed relationship. He told me that it's alright to be angry but I have to remember to learn to accept it. That God will always be a friend.

Sunday: Sympathy + Empathy = Compassion; only with sympathy and empathy that you'd be able to be compassionate to others.

Monday: To trust in God's timing. To have a strong foundation in faith. That when God takes away everything, you must trust in him, stay strong in faith. He doesn't punish, he always forgives. St Jude, St Joseph.

Leaving
Friday, September 23, 2016
2:56 am

- Honesty is the best policy. That's what I learnt today from someone. So honestly, I don't want to give people the impression we are okay anymore

- The many times you said you'd still want to help me/you'd persevere to help me find God, etc. What you say and your actions don't go. I gave you chances to take the step forward to talk to me first, to ask about my wellbeing, etc. but it seems like you can't care more. 3 times, one before bkk, one during, one after your sister saw me at the clinic. You just stopped. It seems like I'm not important enough to even be spared a thought or message. So much for wanting to help me. The truth hurts and a lie's worse.

- Just like the person in my life before. You both left me for another person. Both wanting to be friends. That's only how much I'm worth. To be friends with.

Because I see a pattern, I know getting into a relationship won't work well and I don't intend to get into any, anymore. I hate getting hurt, it was because of the past incident that made me have trust issues. And now that this has happened, I know that I'll build my walls thicker and higher than before. I will not let anyone break it down and weaken it. Being vulnerable just does not work in any relationships for me. It will never be again. I will never be weak again. I gave too much of myself. I should only have given myself to someone that really would treasure me for the rest of my lifetime and I know I won't meet that person.

- Now I'm beginning to understand why sometimes I behave arrogantly. It's because I just didn't receive enough love/trust/confidence in people believing in me that I just had to learn to love myself.

- Every time I'm away from you I feel so much hurt and anger that I want to express at you but when I see you, I become weak. You are a weakness to me. But I hope not so anymore. I keep letting my self get hurt by you. At the end of the day, do you even care? No. As much as you say you do, you can't even make time off for me. So don't feed me any false promises anymore. i gave excuses for you far too many times and from the many times you didn't want to fight my "warped" thoughts about how wrongly perceived things, it shows, that I don't matter anymore and you don't care how I feel/perceive you.

- From a third person's perspective I know certain people will say I'm childish for thinking this way/anyway I'm just one person and I can always be replaced (true, look at my position in your life now). What I'm going to do is to just let them be, because yknow, who else to protect me than me. I don't have anyone else unlike you. I trusted you to keep my heart safe and you didn't. You already knew from the start you'd break it but I had too much hopes in you that you wouldn't. I was at fault too for being so confident of my abilities. I wanted to do everything I can do you wouldn't leave me like the other. Even so, you still did. So like I said, I'll now build stronger and higher walls.

- It's selfish of me to put myself first but if I don't, who will? Everyone will do things that put themselves first. You including, choosing who you wanted to be with. It's not normal. I'm going to have to be selfish and decide to end things for good, clean and clear forever. I'm sorry I just can't be your friend anymore. This is just the best way. It'll work for you. You don't have to meet up with me with a cheery face when I'm giving a black face. Basically out of sight, out of mind. Or maybe it has already happened for you, but it hasn't for me. So leave me out of future meet ups with carol and all, I won't go for graduation, if I see you around, you can just treat me as a stranger or say hi and stop there.

- goodbye forever.

- Tbh, you kept putting really reflecting about this r/s off for so long that I know eventually even if your current ends or not, you'll never really think or reflect properly in comparison if you thought about it immediately after it ended when you're not thinking of someone else. The next time you'd really feel what you should've felt for this relationship is minutes before your death where you'd look back at your life.

My funeral arrangements
Wednesday, September 21, 2016
1:04 pm

When I was young, I couldn't see myself growing older, past the age of 20, let alone 30. I always thought I'd die at either 18. I don't know why but I just couldn't see my future. Now I can see it till maybe 28? Beyond that, I can't. So maybe it's time to think about death (also considering the fact my depressive mood is slowly seeping back in...).

I went to St Mary Of The Angels yesterday. Beautiful artistic church and the housed the best columbarium I've seen. It was such a peaceful place. It didn't feel creepy at all. I like that when you close your eyes, you'd hear the calmness of the water flowing.

When I die, I want to be cremated and ashes thrown into the sea. I want to be free, to feel limitless. I love the serenity of water, the sea, the clouds. It's a sight to behold.

St Cornelius and St Cyprian
Friday, September 16, 2016
1:27 pm

"Give me the strength and perseverance to carry my cross"

You told me before that you'd be here for me, to help through and you'd preservere no matter how much I pushed you away. But it seems like now, you gave up. I don't blame you because I know I didn't tell you I needed help, no matter if I told you my problems. You couldn't help, I wouldn't turn to you. It just hurts me that you gave me empty promises. You gave me a false glimmer of hope. I know you'd leave me, in the sense not give me attention, when you had someone else. That was you when you were with me. Your friends were there only when you wanted to talk to them, only when you wanted them to. That's you. Whatever you said about thinking about us, reflecting on the relationship. It's all a lie, you wouldn't. You don't have the time to when you're so vested in another relationship. There's no wrong in that, you ought to respect that relationship. So you shouldn't have said you'd reflect on our relationship. Furthermore, even if your current one ended, you still wouldn't reflect on ours because you'd be busy reflecting on your current. Even if you did, the emotions is not and will never be the same immediately after you ended our relationship. You wouldn't feel that much pain. So please stop giving me lies and false hope.

"The truth hurts and a lie's worse."

I've had enough of your lies but I won't tell you how I feel because there's no point in doing so. Nothing will change.

Goodbye.

What if
Sunday, September 11, 2016
5:08 pm

What if my life was meant to come to an end soon? And that paper that spoke about my life, meeting the love of my life late in my life, achieving success in life, meeting prominent people in my life, have all been fulfilled? What if you were the love of my life? What if achieving success meant doing well for my final assignment and getting a 2:1 degree with honor? What if meeting prominent people was inferring to the minister Grace Fu I met at the recent NYC talk? What if now my time's up.

The alchemist
Sunday, September 04, 2016
6:01 pm

Part One

"Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own."

---

The book
"It describes people's inability to choose their own Personal Legends. And it ends up saying that everyone believes the world's greatest lie."

"What's the world's greatest lie?"

"It is this: that at a certain point in our lives, we lose control of what's happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fate. That's the world's greatest lie."

Personal Legend
"It's what you have always wanted to accomplish. Everyone, when they are young, knows what their Personal Legend is. At that point in their lives, everything is clear and everything is possible. They are not afraid to dream, and to yearn for everything they would like to see happen to them in their lives. But, as time passes, a mysterious force begins to convince them that it will be impossible for them to realise their Personal Legend."

The mysterious force
"It's a force that appears to be negative, but actually shows you how to realise your Personal Legend. It prepares your spirit and your will, because there is one great truth on this planet: Whoever you are, or whatever it is that you do, when you really want something, it's because that desire originated in the soul of the universe. It's your mission on earth."

"... The Soul of the World is nourished by people's happiness. And also by unhappiness, envy, and jealousy. To realise one's Personal Legend is a person's only real obligation. All things are one."

"And when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."

---

"For her, every day was the same, and when each day is the same as the next, it's because people fail to recognise the good things that happen in their lives every day that the sun rises."

"There was nothing to hold him back except himself."

"The sheep, the merchant's daughter, and the fields of Andalusia, were only steps along the way to his Personal Legend."

"It's called the principle of favourability. When you play cards for the first time, you are almost sure to win. Beginner's luck."
"Why is that?"
"Because there is a force that wants you to realise your Personal Legend; it whets your appetite with a taste of success."

"In order to find the treasure, you will have to follow the omens. God has prepared a path for everyone to follow. You just have to read the omens that he left for you."

"Don't forget that everything you deal with is only one thing and nothing else. And don't forget the language of omens. And, above all, don't forget to follow your Personal Legend through to its conclusion."

"'The secret of happiness is to see all the marvels of the world, and never to forget the drops of oil on the spoon.' - A shepherd may like to travel, but he should never forget about his sheep."

"He wept because God was unfair, and because this was the way God repaid those who believed in their dreams."

"But now I'm sad and alone. I'm going to become bitter and distrustful of people because one person betrayed me. I'm going to hate those who have found their treasure because I never found mine. And I'm going to hold on to what little I have, because I'm too insignificant to conquer the world."

"He had learnt that there were certain things one shouldn't ask about, so as not to flee from one's own Personal Legend. 'I promised that I would make my own decisions,' he said to himself."

"... He realised that he had to choose between thinking of himself as the poor victim of a thief and as an adventurer in quest of his treasure. 'I am an adventurer, looking for treasure,' he said to himself."

Part 2

"Maktub" - it's written

"But the sheep had taught him something even more important: that there was a language in the world that everyone understood, a language the boy had used throughout the time that he was trying to improve things at the shop. It was the language of enthusiasm, of things accomplished with love and purpose, and as part of a search for something believed in and desired."

"He still had some doubts about the decision he had made. But he was able to understand one thing: Making a decision was only the beginning of things."

"When someone makes a decision, he is really diving into a strong current that will carry him to places he had never dreamed of when he first made the decision."

"The closer one gets to realizing his Personal Legend, the more that Personal Legend becomes his true reason for being, thought the bo

"'They're not my sheep anymore,' he said to himself, without nostalgia. 'They must be used to their new shepherd, and have probably already forgotten me. That's good. Creature like the sheep, that are used to travelling, know about moving on.'"

"'Hunches,' his mother used to call them. The boy was beginning to understand that intuition is really a sudden immersion of the soul into the universal current of life, where the histories of all people are connected, and we are able to know everything, because it's all written there."

"But the disaster taught me to understand the word of Allah: People need not fear the unknown if they are capable of achieving what they need and want."

"'We are afraid of losing what we have, whether it's our life or our possessions and property. But this fear evaporates when we understand that our life stories and the history of the world were written by the same hand.'"

"'When I'm eating that's all I think about. If I'm on the March, I just concentrate on marching. If I have to fight, it will be just as good a day to die as any other.
Because I don't live in either past or my future. I'm interested only in the present. If you can concentrate always on the present, you'll be a happy man.
You'll see that there is life in the desert, that there are stars in the heavens, and that tribesmen fight because they are part of the human race. Life will be a party for you, a grand festival, because life is the moment we're living right now.'"

"In his pursuit of the dream, he was cost angle subjected to tests of his persistence and courage. So he could not be hasty, nor impatient. If he pushed forward impulsively, he would fail to see the signs and omens left by God along his path."

"'Don't be impatient,' he repeated to himself. It's like the camel driver said: 'Eat when it's time to eat. And move along when it's time to move along.'"

"He had been told by his parents and grandparents that he must fall in love and really know a person before becoming committed. But maybe people who felt that way had never learned the universal language. Because, when you know that language, it's easy to understand that someone in the world awaits you, whether it's in the middle of the desert or in some great city. And when two such people encounter each other, and their eyes meet, the past and the future become unimportant. There is only that moment, and the incredible certainty that everything under the sun has been written by one hand only. It is the hand that evokes love, and creates a twin soul for everyone in the world. Without such love, one's dreams would have no meaning.

Maktub, thought the boy."

"'The dunes are changed by the wind, but the desert never changes. That's the way it will be with our love for each other.' 'Maktub,' she said. 'If I am really a part of your dream, you'll come back one day.'"

"The boy was sad as he left her that day. He thought of all the married shepherds he had known. They had a difficult time convincing their wives that they had to go off into distant fields. Love required them to stay with the people they loved."

"He tried to deal with the concept of love as distinct from possession, and couldn't separate them."

"One could open a book to any page, or look at a person's hand; one could turn a card, or watch the flight of the birds... Whatever the thing observed, one could find a connection with his experience of the moment. Actually it wasn't that those things, in themselves, revealed anything at all; it was just that people, looking at what was occurring around them, could find a means of penetration to the Soul of the World."

"'If good things are coming, they will be a pleasant surprise," said the seer. "If bad things are, and you know in advance, you will suffer greatly before they even occur.'"

"'When people consult me, it's not that I'm reading the future; I am guessing the future. The future belongs to God, and it is only he who reveals it, under extraordinary circumstances. How do I guess at the future? Based on the omens of the present. The secret is here in the present. If you pay attention to the present, you can improve on it. And, if you improve on the present, what comes later will also be better. Forget about the future, and live each day according to the teachings, confident that God loves his children. Each day, in itself, brings with it an eternity."

"'There is only one way to learn,' the alchemist answered. 'It's through action. Everything you need to know you have learned through your journey.'"

"'And what went wrong when other alchemists tried to make gold and were unable to do so?' 'They were looking only for gold,' his companion answered. 'They were seeking the treasure of their Personal Legend, without wanting actually to live out the Personal Legend.'"

"'... The existence of this world is simply a guarantee that there exists a world that is perfect. God created the world so that, through visible objects, men could understand his spiritual teachings and the marvels of his wisdom. That's what I mean by action.'"

"'... The desert will give you an understanding of the world; in fact, anything on the face of the earth will do that. You don't even have to understand the desert: all you have to do is contemplate a simple grain of sand, and you will see in it all the marvels of creation.'
'How do I immerse myself in the desert?'

'Listen to your heart. It knows all things, because it came from the Soul of the World, and it will one day return there.'"

"'Why do we have to listen to our hearts?' The boy asked, when they had made camp that day. 'Because, wherever your heart is, that is where you'll find your treasure.'"

"'But my heart is agitated,' the boy said. 'It has its dreams, it gets emotional, and it's become passionate over a woman of the desert. It asks things of me, and it keeps me from sleeping many nights, when I'm thinking about her.'
'Well, that's good. Your heart is alive. Keep listening to what it has to say.'"

"The boy's heart began to speak of fear. It told him stories it had heard from the Soul of the World, stories of men who sought to find their treasure, or that he might die there in the desert. At other times, it told the boy that it was satisfied: it had found love and riches."

"'My heart is a traitor,' the boy said to the alchemist, when they had paused to rest the horses. 'It doesn't want me to go on.' 'That makes sense,' the alchemist answered. 'Naturally it's afraid that, in pursuing your dream, you might lose everything you've won.' 'Well then, why should I listen to my heart?' 'Because you will never again be able to keep it quiet. Even if you pretend not to have heard what it tells you, it will always be there inside you, repeating to you what you're thinking about life and about the world.' 'You mean I should listen, even if it's treasonous?' 'Treason is a blow that comes unexpectedly. If you know your heart well, it will never be able to do that to you. Because you'll know it's dreams and wishes, and will know how to deal with them.'"

"'You will never be able to escape from your heart. So it's better to listen to what it has to say. That way, you'll never have to fear an unanticipated blow.'"

"The boy continued to listen to his heart as they crossed the desert. He came to understand its dodges and tricks, and to accept it as it was. He lost his fear, and forgot about his need to go back to the oasis, because, one afternoon, his heart told him he was happy. 'Even though I complain sometimes,' it said, 'it's because I'm the heart of a person, and people's hearts are that way. People are afraid to pursue their most important dreams, because they feel they don't deserve them, or that they'll be unable to achieve them. We, their hearts, become fearful just thinking of loved ones who go away forever, or of moments that could have been good but weren't, or of treasures that might have been found but were forever hidden in the sands. Because, when these things happen, we suffer terribly.'"

"'Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heaty has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity.'"

"'When I have been truly searching for my treasure, every day has been luminous, because I've known that every hour was a part of the dream that I would find it. When I have been truly searching for my treasure, I've discovered things along the way that I never would have seen had I not had the courage to try things that seemed impossible for a shepherd to achieve.'"

it it is said that all people who are happy have God within them. And that happiness could be found in a grain of sand from the desert, as the alchemist had said. Because a grain of sand is a moment of creation, and the universe has taken millions of years to create it.

"'Everyone on earth has a treasure that awaits him,' his heart said. 'We, people's hearts, seldom say much about those treasures, because people no longer want to go in search of them. We speak of them only to children. Later, we simply let life proceed, in its own direction, toward its own fate. But unfortunately, very few follow the path laid out for them - the path to their Personal Legends, and to happiness.'"

"Most people see the world as a threatening place, and, because they do, the world turns out, indeed, to be a threatening place."

"'... We don't want people to suffer because they don't follow their hearts.' 'Why don't people's hearts tell them to continue to follow their dreams?' The boy asked the alchemist. 'Because that's what makes a heart suffer most, and hearts don't like to suffer.'"

"'What you still need to know is this: before a dream is realised, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we've learned as we've moved toward that dream. That's the point at which most people give up. It's the point at which, as we say in the language of the desert, one 'dies of thirst just when the palm trees have appeared on the horizon.''"

"Every search begins with beginners luck. And every search ends with the victor's being severely tested."

"It is said that the darkest hour of the night came just before the dawn."

"And anyone who interferes with the Personal Legend of another thing never will discover his own."

"'If a person is living out his Personal Legend, he knows everything he needs to know. There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.'"

"'So each thing had to transform itself into something better, and to acquire a new personal legend, until, someday, the Soul of the World becomes one thing only.'"

"'They show that, when we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better, too.'" H




"'Love is the force that transforms and improves the Soul of the World.'"

"'It is we who nourish the Soul of the World, and the world we live in will be either better or worse, depending on whether we become better or worse. And that's where the power of love comes in. Because when we love, we always strive to become better than we are.'"

-- End --

Coming up for air
2:17 am

I personally feel you should let him know the truth, about how we were together. As you've told me, honesty is the best policy and that's what a relationship should be built upon. I know you're afraid he'd feel bad and all, but I believe what's most important is that he knows the truth, you're honest with him. I'm sure he'll get it and understand you did it because you care for him and also that you treasure him in your life to do it. I don't know him well but I know he's able to do that because of his love for you. Despite how you don't want to tell me you do feel happy with him, I know you are. Because you've told people about the relationship and I know how much you care for him. Knowing you, if you aren't sure of the relationship, you wouldn't tell people of it, furthermore, taking into consideration that he's not local and you've barely been together with him. It really does say a lot. So despite all that you've told me, I know how you feel deep down inside. You don't want to hurt me anymore, but you know deep down he's a better choice for you than me. It hurts, the truth hurts and I'll be honest, I'm facing difficulties accepting it. My heart physically and emotionally hurts when I think about how you've chosen him and how much more committed you are to him than you were with me despite of your love for me. I know you're more committed to him, from your actions like when I wanted to hug you to sleep for the last time, and from the ring you wore on the day I saw you at the traffic light. What I feel, is not a feeling of betrayal, but pure pain. I know pain encompasses betrayal, but in this context, I never saw it that way, because I understood that feelings played a big role and it cannot be explained. That said, I know all these feelings I have for you don't matter anymore because we'll never be together. The relationship fell apart when you stopped being brave for us, when you felt you wouldn't be able to accept a girl-girl relationship anymore. That, I feel, stems from your faith and what it has taught you. I'm not condemning it or anything, everyone has a choice on what they want to believe in and I respect it. The point is, faith stems from belief, and beliefs, as you would know, is hard to change. In a way, they are who we are and we act and behave based on our beliefs. So, I don't really blame you for anything. I was just hurt and heartbroken at the choices you made, and this pain, I choose to go through everyday. I don't know why still, but possibly, it's because that's my last memory of you and I don't want to forget you as much as I know I have to, in order to move on. Everyday there's a war between my head and heart, and I know I'll keep putting myself through the hurt till I cave in for good.

You told me yesterday that mandarin songs convey more emotions than English ones, I agree, but there are many English ones that convey a lot of meaning too - Kodaline and Adele's songs are 2 very good examples and that's why I love them.

Saint Mother Teresa
Saturday, September 03, 2016
5:14 pm

The purest form of faith is when you're beaten and defeated to the extent of hopelessness that you keeping asking God to help you but you feel he does not appear yet you still trudge on with life.

Chartwell Drive Park
2:11 am

I got a mixture of feelings after meeting her: Liberated, heavy heart, deep love, sadness, empowered, heartbroken.

I cannot quite comprehend what I'm feeling but I know my actions and thoughts should still be the same - to move on from the relationship.

That's because she has already accepted someone else and I'm never getting her back in life. It was meant to be.

No questions should be asked, no doubts should surround it.

I broke down today.
Friday, September 02, 2016
12:57 am

When you sent me messages about how you felt about my actions towards you, I broke down. Terribly. And when I did, strangely, I felt real. I haven't felt this way in a long time, not trying to be happy, staying positive, keeping negative thoughts and feelings at bay. But to just embrace my most true and honest emotions. It was a terrible sight. Though the pain came back, somehow, that crying session felt good. I felt like I was connecting to myself once more.

I'm meeting you tomorrow and there's many thoughts running through my mind. I know I'm not ready but I want to clarify myself and how you felt. It is a misunderstanding.